I'm sure every stay-at-home mom feels lonely from time to time. I think it's probably part of the ebb and flow of life. But I am in one doozy of a situation right now and just need someone.
Because of many factors, partly because we've been married for over 10 years, partly because we have 5 kids, partly because of breaches in trust, my husband and I are no longer emotionally connected. There was a time that we were best friends - I could go to him with anything and we could solve it together. We didn't even care if a problem actually had a solution per se as long as we were in it together it made everything easier.
Now, things are different.
It started when I reacted negatively to a new hobby he had. I thought he was spending too much time doing it and I thought it was putting him in such a rotten mood for something that he wanted to spend all his time doing. It was blogging. He gained an online community full of people similar enough to himself that it was magnetic. He fit in so well, and had a load of new friends and readers who gave him praise and affirmation.
Over the years, mainly out of jealousy of the new attention he was getting, I told him I didn't like how much he was turning away from me and turning toward the online world, especially at the time, one female in particular, who was complaining to him about her marriage and she seemed quite clingy to him for emotional support.
He agreed to back off from the girl a lot and from the online-ness overall a bit to make me more comfortable. But as things do, things changed. He was given special assignments and pressures for additional output by the blog administrator, so he rose to that challenge and did it.
Meanwhile, in his career, he was fired from his job (it had nothing to do with his blog world) and he fell into a significant depression.
A few months later, there was an online depression round-table where people from all walks of life came together with an openness and understanding that they had all been diagnosed with depression at one time or another. There was a woman in that group who was quite impressed that my husband said things that her husband would never say and they began to talk. Quite a bit. This is the same woman referred to in the last post, lots of texts, lots of conversation, he thought he was being a friend, they fell in love.
And see, I can understand somewhat why he turned off his emotions and his ability to be affected by my emotions. When I found out about them, I lost my foundation. I feel apart. I had a mental breakdown. I demanded things that he didn't like. I said things I didn't mean. I was a mess.
We are still in the trenches. Our relationship still hasn't recovered. He still stands by his blog and online community with the close female friendships and all. Something did change last week though, he started going to therapy on his own. I am trying not to get overly optimistic about this though.
I really hope this helps. I am in need of someone to talk to, about my emotions. Someone who I can be vulnerable to. Someone who can hold me on a day like today that is just hard. I turn to the Lord right now, dish it all out to him, but there's just something about having someone hold you. I don't know how much longer I can wait.
I just feel lonely.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Betrayal
I've been wanting to write about this for a while now, but wasn't sure how to do it productively, clearly, etc.
My husband told me after a session with a therapist about his addiction to pornography and masturbation. He had had this addiction leading back to his teenage years, but, like so many, thought that it would go away after he got married and he had access to sex. That lasted about 4 months, he said, then his addictive behaviors returned.
I dealt with it rather privately. I didn't talk to a Bishop, or even a friend, about the anguish it caused. I asked him to be willing to give it up for the health of our marriage. He agreed. There have been small periods of time since then where he has struggled, but nothing like those first few years of our marriage.
Fast forward a few years, we moved across country, attending grad school, and he gets involved with a woman from his home town. She is a few years older, but they have lots in common. They begin to speak for hours a day, usually when he's not home, there are over 1000 texts in a 6 week period. They fall in love. They are addicted to needing each other and in my opinion, they are only in love with the *idea* of each other, because I am quite sure neither of them could stand each other in real life. They met online - where you can be anyone you want to be, you can sit down and be in your best mood, people see your best side, and that's the point. They carry on openly even after I find out, then secretly for a month.
I dealt with this one a little more publicly. I made a few efforts to reach out, not always in the best faith, sometimes I reached out to his friends that I knew would find it scandalous. I was silenced and ignored by him though because I had just had my 5th baby and I had hormones. So I struggled. Quietly.
Fast forward a seven months now. He is online and a girl comes on asking for advice on where she should blog. He, of course, jumps in and helps. See, he is a helper. And he doesn't do a half-job. Good for a marriage and kids, bad for outsiders. She asks if he would want to be a part of her new blog, so they set off to start it. He lied to me about his relationship to the blog and this new girl by saying he was in an advisory role only. Then the shoe drops and I find out that they are talking everyday, about more than just a blog, that he is a full contributor with time responsibilities.
There are many other juicy details related to all these scenarios, but these are the main ideas of the major betrayals. We are still dealing with this last one. The thing is, I know that if I were to go through this publicly, or ask for advice from any outsiders, that he would be told to give it up, but our therapist says no.
That makes it harder, so I go through this again. Quietly. With no voice. No place to be heard or understood.
My husband told me after a session with a therapist about his addiction to pornography and masturbation. He had had this addiction leading back to his teenage years, but, like so many, thought that it would go away after he got married and he had access to sex. That lasted about 4 months, he said, then his addictive behaviors returned.
I dealt with it rather privately. I didn't talk to a Bishop, or even a friend, about the anguish it caused. I asked him to be willing to give it up for the health of our marriage. He agreed. There have been small periods of time since then where he has struggled, but nothing like those first few years of our marriage.
Fast forward a few years, we moved across country, attending grad school, and he gets involved with a woman from his home town. She is a few years older, but they have lots in common. They begin to speak for hours a day, usually when he's not home, there are over 1000 texts in a 6 week period. They fall in love. They are addicted to needing each other and in my opinion, they are only in love with the *idea* of each other, because I am quite sure neither of them could stand each other in real life. They met online - where you can be anyone you want to be, you can sit down and be in your best mood, people see your best side, and that's the point. They carry on openly even after I find out, then secretly for a month.
I dealt with this one a little more publicly. I made a few efforts to reach out, not always in the best faith, sometimes I reached out to his friends that I knew would find it scandalous. I was silenced and ignored by him though because I had just had my 5th baby and I had hormones. So I struggled. Quietly.
Fast forward a seven months now. He is online and a girl comes on asking for advice on where she should blog. He, of course, jumps in and helps. See, he is a helper. And he doesn't do a half-job. Good for a marriage and kids, bad for outsiders. She asks if he would want to be a part of her new blog, so they set off to start it. He lied to me about his relationship to the blog and this new girl by saying he was in an advisory role only. Then the shoe drops and I find out that they are talking everyday, about more than just a blog, that he is a full contributor with time responsibilities.
There are many other juicy details related to all these scenarios, but these are the main ideas of the major betrayals. We are still dealing with this last one. The thing is, I know that if I were to go through this publicly, or ask for advice from any outsiders, that he would be told to give it up, but our therapist says no.
That makes it harder, so I go through this again. Quietly. With no voice. No place to be heard or understood.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Jealousy
Is jealousy normal? Is it a 'natural man' thing, or is it something that is beyond that? Are there certain things that are 'okay' to be jealous of? Is it just persons that threaten your marriage (or boy-/girl-friendship) that are okay to be jealous of? Are there productive ways to display jealousy? If so, what are they?
I have not always been jealous, but, when I got engaged, and later married, I felt like I had a free pass to be jealous. Is it that I had a claim on someone that I had never felt before? In my earlier relationships, if I sensed competition, I just backed off. I hadn't had a relationship where I had total security with my place. But once I did, so I began to assume that everyone is after what I had? Was my husband the only awesome catch out there? Was he really even that awesome to everyone, or had love tinted, with rose color, my view of him?
The things I am jealous of are - women that find my man fascinating and want to pick his brain (Uh, ladies, that's MY brain to pick...); crazy involved conversation online that don't just take the actual time to be a part of, but a plethora of time used to think and analyze.
Which brings me to a new point - something that has come about with the invention of blogs and other online venues. In history, you had to discuss things at certain times and in certain places. Usually, one thinks later, 'Ah, I could've said ____.' Or '____ would've been a good point.' These types of 'epiphanies' still happen with face to face conversations. But now, we have days to talk about one topic. Is it bad? No, but it is unique.
I have not always been jealous, but, when I got engaged, and later married, I felt like I had a free pass to be jealous. Is it that I had a claim on someone that I had never felt before? In my earlier relationships, if I sensed competition, I just backed off. I hadn't had a relationship where I had total security with my place. But once I did, so I began to assume that everyone is after what I had? Was my husband the only awesome catch out there? Was he really even that awesome to everyone, or had love tinted, with rose color, my view of him?
The things I am jealous of are - women that find my man fascinating and want to pick his brain (Uh, ladies, that's MY brain to pick...); crazy involved conversation online that don't just take the actual time to be a part of, but a plethora of time used to think and analyze.
Which brings me to a new point - something that has come about with the invention of blogs and other online venues. In history, you had to discuss things at certain times and in certain places. Usually, one thinks later, 'Ah, I could've said ____.' Or '____ would've been a good point.' These types of 'epiphanies' still happen with face to face conversations. But now, we have days to talk about one topic. Is it bad? No, but it is unique.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Who's the Boss?
I find it strange that many Mormons (in the US, at least) believe that watching R rated movies is against the religion. I have never once heard any of our leaders say that. They have advised us to avoid watching movies that we are uncomfortable with, but in reality, who is comfortable watching something that they aren't comfortable with?
It also strikes me as peculiar that so many Mormons trust the committee of which we have no choosing, or vote, or have a representative of our standards, to rate movies. I mean, really?!?!?
When my children have asked to watch a movie, regardless of their age, my husband and I use our judgment. We think about the child in particular, their personality, and how they might react to any given movie. Some PG-13s have been fine. Some PG ones aren't. We, as the parents, make an informed decision.
I also hold this same standard for things such as Facebook. You technically have to be 13 to have an account, but what if my son, who is younger, is more trustworthy than most teenagers, then, we will agree to it. Again, we use our own judgment.
I think that's exactly what we're asked to do as Mormons, use the judgment from our own lives to guide our children.
It also strikes me as peculiar that so many Mormons trust the committee of which we have no choosing, or vote, or have a representative of our standards, to rate movies. I mean, really?!?!?
When my children have asked to watch a movie, regardless of their age, my husband and I use our judgment. We think about the child in particular, their personality, and how they might react to any given movie. Some PG-13s have been fine. Some PG ones aren't. We, as the parents, make an informed decision.
I also hold this same standard for things such as Facebook. You technically have to be 13 to have an account, but what if my son, who is younger, is more trustworthy than most teenagers, then, we will agree to it. Again, we use our own judgment.
I think that's exactly what we're asked to do as Mormons, use the judgment from our own lives to guide our children.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Family Dinner
When I was young, I thought every family was like mine. I assumed that all families ate at the dinner table together, prayed together, went to church (any church, really), talked, had sibling rivalry, chores, expectations for school, etc.
I remember the first part of that bubble being burst when I was about 9 years old. A family moved in next door and they had a boy 2-3 years older than me. He would play basketball frequently with my older brother and sister. One day, my mom called us in for dinner. I turned to the boy and said that he should go in too for dinner. He said he wasn't hungry and he would eat when he was. I asked if that was because he didn't like what his mom was making. He kinda chuckled and said that she didn't make anything, he just ate when he wanted.
Wha? I thought about that and the freedom and fun it would be to do anything I wanted at any given time - eat when I was hungry and what I wanted. I mean, WOW!
As time went on, I realized that the family next door lacked several things that my family had our fair share of - we liked each other. I never got along with my sister (more to come on this, for sure) but we liked each other.
That is one of the things I want for my kids so bad, is to like their family and to be able to grow up as a team of allies, even if there is sometimes fighting, bickering, etc. We will eat dinner around the table. We will talk. We will be what I increasingly realized was the freakish family on the block, one of the fraction of kids in high school who still had dinner with their family.
I remember the first part of that bubble being burst when I was about 9 years old. A family moved in next door and they had a boy 2-3 years older than me. He would play basketball frequently with my older brother and sister. One day, my mom called us in for dinner. I turned to the boy and said that he should go in too for dinner. He said he wasn't hungry and he would eat when he was. I asked if that was because he didn't like what his mom was making. He kinda chuckled and said that she didn't make anything, he just ate when he wanted.
Wha? I thought about that and the freedom and fun it would be to do anything I wanted at any given time - eat when I was hungry and what I wanted. I mean, WOW!
As time went on, I realized that the family next door lacked several things that my family had our fair share of - we liked each other. I never got along with my sister (more to come on this, for sure) but we liked each other.
That is one of the things I want for my kids so bad, is to like their family and to be able to grow up as a team of allies, even if there is sometimes fighting, bickering, etc. We will eat dinner around the table. We will talk. We will be what I increasingly realized was the freakish family on the block, one of the fraction of kids in high school who still had dinner with their family.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Why?
Well, I have lots of interesting nonsense in my head and I think I need somewhere to get it all out that isn't where the extended family goes to get updates on how the kidlins, my man, and I are doing.
I am a Mormon mother of 5. My hubby's in grad school. Most of the time I hold it all together, but like I said, there is some crazy stuff in me that needs a place to go so it can stop whirling in me.
We'll see how this goes.
Enjoy exploring. Feel free to give insight. Please be kind.
I am a Mormon mother of 5. My hubby's in grad school. Most of the time I hold it all together, but like I said, there is some crazy stuff in me that needs a place to go so it can stop whirling in me.
We'll see how this goes.
Enjoy exploring. Feel free to give insight. Please be kind.
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