Betrayal

I've been wanting to write about this for a while now, but wasn't sure how to do it productively, clearly, etc.

My husband told me after a session with a therapist about his addiction to pornography and masturbation. He had had this addiction leading back to his teenage years, but, like so many, thought that it would go away after he got married and he had access to sex. That lasted about 4 months, he said, then his addictive behaviors returned.

I dealt with it rather privately. I didn't talk to a Bishop, or even a friend, about the anguish it caused. I asked him to be willing to give it up for the health of our marriage. He agreed. There have been small periods of time since then where he has struggled, but nothing like those first few years of our marriage.

Fast forward a few years, we moved across country, attending grad school, and he gets involved with a woman from his home town. She is a few years older, but they have lots in common. They begin to speak for hours a day, usually when he's not home, there are over 1000 texts in a 6 week period. They fall in love. They are addicted to needing each other and in my opinion, they are only in love with the *idea* of each other, because I am quite sure neither of them could stand each other in real life. They met online - where you can be anyone you want to be, you can sit down and be in your best mood, people see your best side, and that's the point. They carry on openly even after I find out, then secretly for a month.

I dealt with this one a little more publicly. I made a few efforts to reach out, not always in the best faith, sometimes I reached out to his friends that I knew would find it scandalous. I was silenced and ignored by him though because I had just had my 5th baby and I had hormones. So I struggled. Quietly.

Fast forward a seven months now. He is online and a girl comes on asking for advice on where she should blog. He, of course, jumps in and helps. See, he is a helper. And he doesn't do a half-job. Good for a marriage and kids, bad for outsiders. She asks if he would want to be a part of her new blog, so they set off to start it. He lied to me about his relationship to the blog and this new girl by saying he was in an advisory role only. Then the shoe drops and I find out that they are talking everyday, about more than just a blog, that he is a full contributor with time responsibilities.

There are many other juicy details related to all these scenarios, but these are the main ideas of the major betrayals. We are still dealing with this last one. The thing is, I know that if I were to go through this publicly, or ask for advice from any outsiders, that he would be told to give it up, but our therapist says no.

That makes it harder, so I go through this again. Quietly. With no voice. No place to be heard or understood.